Fighters

Where to start! Its been a long journey started sometime back in first year of my engineering, three years back. The journey of this blog is very much similar to what my life has been in these years. If someone goes through all posts he will realize that the posts on this blog vary much on topics, sometimes I wrote about dreams, sometimes about love, sometimes about technology, sometimes about relationships and many more, I wrote a couple of short stories, I wrote many incidents of my life during these days of engineering. I think i had never been so expressive as I had been here. I never talked much about topics I wrote here, its been wonderful, simply it helped me in my real life as well. I wrote many poems here, posted about various things happened with me. The blog has changed my image of being a very un -expressive guy to a highly thinking guy, nobody had thought that I can write on topics like girls, relationships, love but I wrote about them here! and this helped me show different colour of my personality . Many of my friends asked me if what I wrote here is true? I know what they mean by that! When I write about love, relationships it is obvious for people to think about the source of inspiration for this!

Lets make it little clearer, what I am going to write in this last post? I am going to write down about my life's unshared moments, my unshared dreams, my source of inspiration, my vices, my bad habits, why I am leaving this blog? and what I have planned for future?

Why I decided to halt this blog? The decision came in a flash of moment. I was about to write a blog post today suddenly I realize that I am not enjoying writing here, since the blog has been evolved as a blog mainly related to love and relationships, I thought the purpose of this blog is now complete. I don't think I need to write here any more. Now I will write about love and relationship only when I will experience it, only when I will live it. Till then no more writing about it. I consider this blog as one dedicated to love!
I have evolved so much internally as a human since I started this blog. There is one more reason why I am leaving this blog, I take this decision as an indication of change in my life, this signals I am into a change. Lets just make this change, I said to myself a couple of days back, I didn't know where to start from, I started choosing by leaving my most loved thing this blog. This is a small sacrifice for the sake of a bigchange. I think the starting of blog was a change and stopping of this blog is also a change.

एक और बार और आखिरी बार,
लिख रहा हूँ वह जो लिखता रहा बार बार
शायद इस बार लिख दूँ वह जो नहीं लिखा
एक भी बार। सोच रहा था मैं परिवर्तन के बारें
में, परिवर्तन तो संसार का सत्य है, मुझमे
जो परिवर्तन हो, वो ऐसा हो की फिर पहले
जैसा कुछ भी न रहे। एक बार हो परिवर्तन,
न हो फिर कभी। कहते है लोग इश्क में
करते है सब त्याग, मैं तो कर रहा हूँ इश्क का ही त्याग।
हाय! शायद ये भी कुछ काम आ जाए।


I watched a movie Lakshya many times just to see a scene, in which Hero and Heroine met again after a very long time, the situation was that hero and heroine broke up over something that hurt hero so much that it changed his life, they were sitting on a bench, after a long silence Heroine told Hero that " बदल गए हो तुम " Hero said " और तुम, तुम नहीं बदली क्या? " I just love this scene.
This is all about change.

I am about to share unshared moments of my life। My childhood, I spend my childhood mainly busy in doing things related to what "bade log" say pagalpan, infact my problem was that I get excited too much with things, I always wanted to try new things. We, my, my brothers, sisters, cousins used to spend our summer vacation at our farm house, those days were really great. We discovered so many things during that period. The two months summer vacation every year was a boon to me. When I remember those days now I think that I was also a child. " उस समय तो ऐसा लगता था जैसे हम कुछ भी कर सकते है" We used to try new things everyday. Few things are like going to pond learning to make sand toys from village children, playing old traditional games like "चक्कर ताडी", we had a very big tyre of tractor once we decided to get into it and roll it the one who goes farthest become winner, making woodden toys, once we decided to make house on tree, we tried really hard to make it one as in "Chip n Tale", and once we decided to make a rope sliding as of Tarzan. These are the very few things we did in our summer vacations.

I remember once we decided to start a museum, we and my brother Vivek. We were so passionate about doing experiments. Though most of them ended up with failures ;)

Do you know why I am writing it here, because I want to make a point that earlier we used to take risks but as we grew older we try to fit in this world, and to fit into it we need to shape ourself as the world want, exactly the dimensions the world want, and thus we loose all our innocence, there is an old song ......

बच्चे मन के सच्चे
सारी जग की आँख के
तारे ये वो नन्हे फूल है जो
भगवान् को लगते प्यारे।
बच्चे जब तक छोटे है
तब तक समझो सच्चे है,
ज्यों ज्यों उनकी उमर बढे
जूठ और पाप का मैल चढ़े।

The only thing I need to do is to make sure I give such a time to my childs, if I have them.


Future plans : a dialogue by Abhishek Bacchan in movie "GURU"

"पाँच साल में बड़ा आदमी बनने वाला हूँ "
My next blog will be one based on technology.


My source of inspiration about love and relationship " Movies of Yash Raj" :P
Just joking. I know if I write that there is no body than that will be a lie, and if I write some name that will be unfair. To make it square i will write I do have a source of inspiration around me. Which had made me write and take life as a different way. I can't resist my self from writing a ghazal sung by ghulam ali here, which goes like this:

फासले ऐसे भी होंगे ये कभी सोचा न था
सामने बैठा था वो मेरे और वो मेरा न था।
हो के खुशबु की तरह फैला था वो मेरे चारसू
मैं उसे महशूस कर सकता था छु सकता न था
फासले ऐसे भी होंगे ये कभी सोचा न था।
रात भर पिछली ही आहात कान मैं आती रही,
झाँक कर देखा गली मैं कोई भी आया न था।

Posted by skbohra at 6:01 PM | 1 comments Links to this post  
Labels: last post

सुना था बहुत, ये इश्क नहीं आशां
बस इतना समझ लिझे, इक आग का
दरिया है और डूब के जाना है।
हंसा था इस पे बहुत मैं,
कैसी आग और कैसा दरिया?
आह! जब गुजरी ख़ुद पे,
तो हँसी नही आया रोना।
सच है, ये इश्क नही आशां।
शायरों ने भले ही लिखा कुछ
बढाकर, पर लिख दिया वो,
जो मुमकिन नहीं करना
बयां लफ्जों में।

Posted by skbohra at 5:06 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: love, pure love

तमन्ना का क्या है?
आख़िर तमन्ना ही तो है!
न ख्वाब है, न हकीकत है!
तमन्ना तो बस तमन्ना है।
जो सच नही वो ख्वाब है,
जो सच है वो हकीकत है।
जो ख्वाब हो कर भी हकीकत लगे,
वो तमन्ना है शायद।
खुली आंखों से जो दिखे,
वो हकीकत है, जो बंद आंखों से
दिखे वो ख्वाब है, जो दोनों से दिखे
वो तमन्ना है शायद।
सोच कर ही जिसके बारे में,
आह निकले वो है तमन्ना!
ख्वाब है न हकीकत है,
तमन्ना तो बस तमन्ना है!
ख्वाब तो फिर भी पूरे हो जाते है
तमन्ना तो बस तमन्ना रहती है!
पूरी हो जाए जो तमन्ना वो तमन्ना नहीं ख्वाब था।
न ख्वाब है न हकीकत है, तमन्ना तो बस तमन्ना है।
हर पल एक नई तमन्ना है, हर पल पुरानी को भूलना है।
आख़िर तमन्ना ही तो है!

Posted by skbohra at 4:09 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: desire, dream, तमन्ना

अब और नही रहा जाता
आंखों से आँसू बना कर
निकला नही जाता की
अब और सहा नहीं जाता।
तुम को देखकर आंखों को
अब और झुकाया नहीं जाता।
कोशिश की बहुत तुम्हे भुलाने की,
पर अब और भुलाया नही जाता।
जानता हूँ यह मुमकिन नहीं पर
अब और रहा नही जाता। दिल के अरमानों
को रखा दिल में बहुत पर अब और रखा नही जाता।
करता रहा इंतज़ार की तुम करोगी इज़हार, पर
अब यह इंतज़ार और नहीं सहा जाता, की
आँखों से आंसू बना और नहीं निकला जाता!

Posted by skbohra at 3:56 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: इंतजार

Its been so long I got this much time to write a blog post! Finally I am writing a blog post! I am quite excited. Last few months have been real eventful. When I was a child, I always wanted to be the busiest person in the world. I loved to visit my papa's office, sitting on their chair would gave real pleasure. I had a lots of lots of desires. I dont know where have they all disappered. At the moment, what i desire is to let my all desires come to me, so that I can live them up. I have become neutral to outside world, and not only others me myself also feel this. I don't remember when last time I had a fight. I think fighting is a must, if you are not fighting it means something is surely missing! When we fight with outer world fight inside get stopped. So, I want to fight! I want to quarrel, I want to let my self free. There is one thing happening these days that I started thinking not too much, let the things happen. and I dont really read too much! and I feel to say something to somebody! I think its the high time! May the source be with me! And I still love open source! I do code! and I am not a great Coder! Happy Diwali ! and Hoping a great time! with Family and friends! See you then! Keep guessing!

Posted by skbohra at 12:31 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: diwali

कागज़ के फूलों में अब वो खुशबू न रही
ये फूल कभी मुरझाते नही
लगता है खिले है अभी
देख के इनको सोचते रहे हम, वक्त है अभी
बहुत, उड़ गई खुशबू तब पता चला हो गई देर बहुत!

Posted by skbohra at 8:18 AM | 1 comments Links to this post  
Labels: flowers

मेरी टीचर मेनू कहन्दी है आंदा नही मेनू कुछ भी
पापा मेनू कहंदे है तू मेरा नाम दुबायेगा ,मेरी अम्मा मेनू
कहेंदी है एक सोनी कुडी मेनू मिलेगी मेरे यार कहेंदे है
तू मुंडा कमाल है। मेरे पहले टेस्ट की तेयारी की मैंने ऐसे
सारे सुब्जेक्ट्स के नाम मेनू अब है याद। अचानक आया
मुझे ये ख्याल छोडू ये सब बातें, सुनो ये कहानी नई रात को
जब में हॉस्टल की छत पर बैठा था, देख रहा था मैं कॉलेज को
पता नही क्यूँ आँख मैं मेरे आँसू आ गए , मैंने देखा ख़ुद को रोते
मुझे लगा कुछ अलग सा I love my college very much
दिन भर कॉलेज मैं फिरता हूँ शाम होती है तो सोचता हूँ
शाम क्यूँ हुई अब मैं सोचता हूँ उन दिनों के बारें में, सब कुछ इतना
जल्दी जल्दी हो रहा है की क्या बताऊँ जैसे कल की हो ये बात
अब तो रोंदा हूँ मैं पर पता नही क्यूँ , न समझेगी वो, न समझूंगा
मैं कभी, इधर भी वो उधर भी वो every where it is she!
मेरे जानने से या न जानने से क्या होगा, जानता हूँ मैं पर वो नही
जानती, इतने दिंनों से पता नही क्या कहूं पर जब भी देखता हूँ तुझे
लगता है जैसे धड़कन रुक सी गई, जानता हूँ मैं बर्बाद हूँ इंसान, पर पता
नही क्यूँ सोचता हूँ मैं ऐसा, गाना लिखना आता नही पर फिर भी लिखता हूँ मैं
इधर भी वो उधर भी वो every where it is she! पता नही कब मिलेगी वो.....

Posted by skbohra at 6:37 PM | 1 comments Links to this post  
Labels: college days, love, pure love

Four years have passed like four days. I still remember the first day of college. I was very scared of ragging and seniors. Though I was convinced that I will handle all that, but even then I had a little fear with lots of joy. And I met a senior just few minutes after I entered the college. The devil was looking at me, I tried to avoid him, gathered courage and tried to pass him, but had to stop. I looked at him, he looked at me. I was not aware of some eye culture here. The next half an hour I was with among four others of my class, one girl and three of us and the senior, he seemed to be a music lover, he wanted us to sing song for him. I knew if I sing something will happen. I sang so loudly that teachers from classes by side came there and scolded that senior. That was the first day of college and today is the last day of college. I had nothing with me on that day and today I am an engineer, with lots of dreams, lots of ideas and of course an engineering degree and a joining letter from an MNC. My family is more happy than me. I am going back to home tonight. When you love somebody for no reason it become a divine love. I know that no body else in this whole world think as good of me as my family. One more thing I forgot to mention, I am taking back along with my engineering degree is my love, my life partner. I met her here in college, I don't know why I got attached to her so much, some internal connection. I used to look at her, tried to avoid her and really never thought I will ever talk to her, I liked to be near her, but it was impossible for me to speak to her, three years passed like this I hardly ever talked to her and thats also when she started talk, after third year I realized that it will be real disaster if she met somebody even poorer than me, even useless than me. I didnt wanted her to spend her life with someone that is not me and finally she talked to me, again she started the talk, that talk realized me that she wanted me to ask, and I did this time. That was the most beautiful day of my college life. Now I am not single, I am now with increased responsibility.
I never wanted to work in any MNC. I want to work for myself, my state and my country. I accepted this offer just to have some security. If things go well I will have my own startup. I want to use technology to make India a developed nation. I know that things don't change easily, but I want to give it a try. I have been restless from last one year regarding this. I believe that only we the engineers can bring the change, even the terrorism, that can also be controlled by using better technology and better strategy. I have lots of dreams, I have a list of thousands of things I want to change. I dream with open eyes. When I dream I usually dream about future, a better future for my family, a better future for families of my friends, and a better future for whole country. I know it may took very long time and a very tough struggle, but I don't fear about all this, what I fear about is myself, I wish that I remain in this state of mind forever. Disappointment, fear of failure, frustration, these things distract me from my goal. The only thing I need to be is to be focused. Oh! its already 8.00 pm and my train is at 8:30 pm. I have to rush to railway station. If i miss this train the next train is at 8:30 pm next day, so I can't afford to miss this train. A little bit of hustle- bustle and I am in the train.Leaving the city that gave me a new life. I hope I will do something for this city someday. And I am back to home.
Mummy is happy like never before, pappy is proud of me like never before. Everybody is welcoming me like a prince or I have won a battle of some kind. And all this is making me the happiest person of the moment.

I will spend a week with my family than again I will leave them. Its like a festival at my home, my little sister has decorated home like Diwali, sometimes too much happiness scare you, especially when you are the center point of all this. So the day was all happy happy. I am tired now. Its really tough to meet so many people and smile each time, I started feeling like a robot programmed to shake hand and smile. I was in my bed, my mobile rang, It was from my old friend, he was scolding me for not telling him of my arrival, to calm him down I made a plan of visiting city in night, with other friends. We took a car and started visiting places we used to five years back, we were trying to recreate that feeling again, but that was not possible. Still its great to go to flash back. We took the main road to go to old fort, where we used to go in night, we were excited as childhood memory excites you like nothing else. My phone rang, It was from her, my love. We didn't talk for last 18hrs, longest since we exchanged our phone numbers. I was waiting for her call, but it was impossible to take the call in car, so discarded the call for two times, the third time my friend stopped the car and said me to attend the call. I get out of the car, I was really very excited, I was in her thoughts, in the middle of the road, I received the call, she said hello! I wanted to say hello, but I heard horn of a truck coming fast from behind , I looked back and truck was just few feet away, I realize that I am in the last minute of my life, I thought of my mummy, my papa, my family, my dreams and my love, I picked the phone and what I could say was " I leave behind you my dream" Sorry!

Posted by skbohra at 10:26 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: college days, life, love, short story

I spent many nights in college computer lab alone, only me in computer lab at night. From 12:30 pm in day to 8:30 am in morning of next day. I have been in lab many times like this. The toughest part of this is when everbody else in lab leaves at 5:00 pm in evening and ask if I too want to leave. when I realize of that question and want to answer that I looked at watch and its 12:30 am, it took me 7 hours to answer that question and felt like just one minute. For few seconds I felt hungry, but at this time in area where my college is I can't dream of anything to eat, the other moment, I was again in computer. I looked back at watch, its 2:10 am, time flies. I realize this. But I wonder I didn't feel sleepy at all. Its 2:10 am in morning, its strange. At 7:30 am in morning Guard sahab of computer lab came. He looked at me, asked me why I've came so early. I said I was here from yesterday morning.

Posted by skbohra at 10:22 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: college days, life

Looking at myself, sitting in classroom, I am the most stupid person I think, insteading of looking at what she is teaching I am writing this thing, who can be a stupid than me. Things are not normal that's for sure, heating up. I am learning , as much I try to keep myself away from things or situations as much I find myself indulged in them simply unintensionly. And I find that older people behave more like a child. I can simply visualize this these days. The situation I was in for last 11 days , I never want to be in. In those 11 days I had food for 4 times, walked 30 miles, had almost 20 litres of cold-drinks or juice, watched two movies in theatre, attended 24 long lectures from terrible teachers, didn't listen a single ghazal of any sort, didnt't checked my mail for one week, I was fined 1000 bucks by HOD for not being in uniform, I was awake for 48 hours continously, had bath 7 times.

Posted by skbohra at 9:42 AM | 1 comments Links to this post  
Labels: 11 days, lecture, life, stupid

Even though we have man-woman ratio in Rajasthan very unbalanced, we too love girl child like any other place in India. Here in Rajasthan, we have a different structure of families. We have huge families, living all together, living all near each other, almost every relative lives in same village. Child in such a family gets love from so many people, exactly what a child want. And many times it happens that child get attached to some other person even more than her parents. This is a very unique thing, and this is the beauty of Rajasthan. And there is one very different thing which happens, since the families are really huge, when child grows up, she sees her cousins calling her parents as 'kaka' , 'kaki' words used for uncle aunt, the child too calls her mummy papa as 'kaki' and 'kaka'. And this happens everywhere here.

There is one such a little girl 'Sangeeta' almost 5 year old, who loves her chacha more than her parents. And Chacha also loves her very much. The day rose same as any other day, and she was among many other children of her age playing, making homes with sand, making toys playing and enjoying. A child never thinks about future, and a child has no past so a child always lives in present, this is the beauty of being a child you always live in present. Looking at the sand home she just made, she is definitely even more happy than aishwarya rai when she won Miss World crown.
The other moment she become sad as she saw 'Ramrakhi's' home which is bigger than her, the art of sudden change in mood and emotion is the asset of a child any grown up like me can be jealous of. Within few minutes a child can be happy, jealous, sad and than again happy, but for us our ego comes in between while flipping the mood, even if we want to smile we don't because it becomes matter of pride. But Sangeeta is still a child so she decides to make a much bigger home than 'Ramrakhi' so the home she made with lots of effort is now again a heap of sand, Once again Sangeeta is busy in making her dream house, with various latest features borrowed from a home she saw when she went to city with her chacha. 'Sageeta your mother is looking for you' shouts somebody from far away, the sound hit the Sangeeta's ear, she listened to it, tried to ignore it, but as the frequency of calling increases , she had to answer that she is coming, but she was again back into making of her home, she looked at Ramrakhi's home and than looked at her own home and smile comes all across her face, which means she is into beating Ramrakhi with her new home. 'Sangeeta your mother will beat you up if you don't reach there in a second' and this time Sangeeta had to stop and leave to her home, She knew she is into beating Ramrakhi, but she has to leave, She ran toward her home, and was thinking about her dream home, and was happy as she had definitely made a home much better than Ramrakhi, while running in her own thoughts she was not looking much all around, her eyes were open but there were dreams in it, and the way to home was also the same on which she comes almost 50 times a day, nothing new in that, and deep into her open eye dreams she was running over road she has to cross it to reach home, for a child like her, it was any other road and only people like me or you know that it was highway with trucks running over it, so we need to be careful, but 'Sangeeta' never even thought that this black color road is a little different, and she was at the middle of road, running fast so that she could escape from her mother's fierce mood, while in the middle of the road what sangeeta could see is her home on the other side of road, her eyes could she her dreams and her home, it was only the last moment when she could see some big thing near to her, she thought it will make her late, she wanted to reach her home, meet her mother say her sorry to be late, but the other moment she was down on the road, with blood on her face, dreams in her eyes, sorry on her lips and home in her thoughts, Sangeeta gone, she left this planet with just present, no future , no past just present and she lived like this, she died like this. And in the last moment of her life, though she didn't know what is life, what is death, what it this happening, she must have thought of person she love most, her Chacha, She wanted her chacha to come and take her away from all this, she wanted him to come with her, the things all around were scaring her, She couldn't understand why people were crying, why? She can see her mother crying, and she is trying to call her, her mother is not listening to her, why my mother is not listening to me, why? My mother doesn't loves me. Why no body is looking at her? Her eyes were looking for her Chacha, She Saw her Chacha, she ran to her, so that he can take her out of this place, to some peaceful place. Why her Chacha is also crying, what happened to everybody? For her Chacha, she lost his most loved child, he couldn't believe that Sangeeta is no more, She has left him alone, and he cursed god for this, why the god has given her such a painful death, god had better killed him instead of her. The other moment Chacha controlled his emotions, he wanted to fight for her Sageeta, her sweet little child, he wanted to catch that truck driver and kill him. Chacha was not crying any more. This made Sangeeta relaxed but she still didn't understand why he is not looking at her. Sangeeta decided not to talk to him any more, why should she care for her if he doesn't? She knew this trick has worked many a times in past, so this time also it will work. Chacha wanted to take revenge from that truck driver, he take the body of Sangeeta to city, where he can get its post mortem and file a case in police station. He will not let this thing go eaily. Though he had controlled his tears from eyes but inside he was crying like nobody else. The whole village was in grief, every body was shocked. Chacha took a jeep and put her body into it, with few other relatives they want to city, filed a case, get her body post mortem and took it back for last rituals and cremation. It was the same high way they were on at which Sangeeta died, Chacha was in jeep with Sangeeta's body, he was in his thoughts, remembering her cute smile, her instant replies , her unanswerable questions he still can't believe that Sangeeta is gone, he was thinking that she will be waiting for him at home, for her gifts that each time he brings when he returns from city, but this time he is not taking anything, so she will be angry, this thought made Chacha restless, the other moment he looked at her body, he burst into tears, this time he couldn't control himself. Sangeeta was thinking that Chacha no more loves her, she is calling her but he is not answering, she called Chacha once again with tears in her eyes, she was fearing now, something very strange is happening, this loneliness was making her restless, she wanted her Chacha to come and take her into her lap, hug her and take her away from all this. Chacha suddenly stopped crying, everybody in jeep got shocked, he was smiling and smiling and saying I am coming Sangeeta, the village was just a few minutes away, the same highway the same place, a Truck came fast from behind, smashed and crashed into jeep. Sangeeta ran towards her Chacha, Chacha took her into his shoulders and sangeeta hugged him like never before, Sangeeta was back into the safest place in world. Chacha and Sangeeta were smiling, the whole village was crying!

Posted by skbohra at 10:29 AM | 1 comments Links to this post  
Labels: child, love, pure love, sacrifice, village

Two poems I wrote a couple of years ago, when I was preparing for IIT JEE, and things were really tough all around.

I wrote this poem two days before Diwali, I don't know why I wrote this , but after writing this i realize that Diwali here resembles hope for life, light and happiness.

दिवाली तू लेकर आ,फिर जीने की चाह
रोक मुझे अनजाने पथ से, सारा जीवन तुझ पर निर्भर
मृत्यु पथ पर तू एक सुंदर बाधा, फिर एक चाह बनी है शायद
चिंगारी कोई दिखी है शायद, शायद मुझे रोक सके तू
शायद मुझे रोप सके तू, मैं एक टूटी शाख
लगाये हुए हूँ तुझसे आश,
मेरे मन की ज्वाला दिवाली समेट सके तू आज
सिर पर लिए एक बोझा जा रहा हूँ
दिवाली तू रोक सके मुझे अनजाने पथ से
सारा जीवन तुझ पर निर्भर
मृत्यु पथ पर तू एक सुंदर बाधा।
जीवन के इस पड़ाव पर हूँ शायद मैं नितांत अकेला
चाह रहा हूँ तेरा साथ, चाह रहा मैं उस अनजान की यात्रा
दे सके तू मेरा साथ,
जब था मैं एक शोला, लोगों ने मुझे सराहा
जब आज मैं शीतल हुआ, लोगों ने मुझे दुत्कारा
चाह रहा एक रोशनी, चाह रहा मैं तेरा साथ,
दीवाली तू लेकर आ फिर जीने की चाह
दिन गुजरे माह बीते बदला जीवन का ढंग
संगी साथी सब छूट गए फिर भी एक आश
जो जगा रही है जीवन की चाह
दिवाली तू लेकर आ
दिवाली तू लेकर आ

This poem I wrote for my brother Vivek, with whom I lived most time of my childhood, we did lots of mischiefs together, lots of new experiments which used to fail mostly great time, I wrote this poem two years back when for the first time we left the home for two different places.

तुझे याद नहीं आते, मुझसे भुलाये नहीं जाते
उन लम्हों को याद किए बिना दिन गुजारे नहीं जाते,
वो दिन मुझे रह रह कर याद आते हैं,
तू क्यूँ उन्हें भूल जाता हैं ।
बेशक बचपन तेरा छूट गया,
पर बड़प्पन मेरा आ नहीं पाया है।
तू तो बड़ा हो गया पर मैं नहीं हो पाया
अभी भी याद आती हैं,
सिक्कों और टिकटों की हमारी दीवानगी
मुझे याद आते हैं वो नाच, वो गानें
वो आग से तपना और रातों को अपने बोलों से जगाना!
शिविर के वो दिन वो जालिम टेप
काटें की रातें वो रातों मैं तेरा जगना
क्या तुझे याद नहीं आते वो काचर वो मतीरे
वो खरबूजों की अपनी चाहत
मुझे रह रह कर याद आते हैं तू क्यूँ उन्हें भूल जाता है

Posted by skbohra at 7:57 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: childhood, diwali, friends for ever, iit jee, दिवाली, बचपन, यादें

When i was younger i feared of dark, but suddenly i didn't. And now it happens that many a times i love to be in dark, away of all the thoughts, all the human beings and anything else. And i am in a very strange things these days, I don't know what it is, i am in a fear of failure, and at home this fear grows at an accelerated pace. At home I don't know if i could ever do anything but thinking of failure. And I am into a depression these days, i made a something, which i thought is quite good but on that i got few bad comments and i had done nothing from that day, not even my project for which i invested three months to get approved! I have no regret for that, it's good that somebody dislikes it that strongly.

Don't want to talk about that any more, but the fear of failure. I am into that all these times. Thats like a nightmare! And i don't know if it is related to this or what. I am having a series of dreams, that has really shocked me, the first dream was that i am struggling with hundreds dogs, trying to throw all of them out of my home, the second dream was that a scorpion has stung me and still i am smiling, the third dream was that i am lying ill on the bed and reading some medical reports, the fourth dream was that my mother is buying a cloth that women put in our community when someone dies. And thats it! I think that thats a message from some where or may be just the fear of failure that is creating nightmares for me. I don't fear of dying. But i do fear of failure, and thats to a great extent, i wish i could overcome that as soon as possible.

What the hell I am doing it this the thing i should regret or what i am not sure i am writing this here its meaningless to write this here, thank god i am not writing anything else but just this otherwise i can write something that can rock everybody but then i think that few things are better kept untold. So now i am getting a little more normal. Now i can write something else, while writing I remembered somebody, since i am sick person, it take me long to really realize that something is happening with me, really long and now when i realized, i find that i am little late for that when it was the high time i didn't took a look at that but when now i want , it is too late! I am listening to a ghazal “ jawab jinke nahi hote wo sawal hote hai, jo dekhne main kuch khaas nahi la jawab hote hai”

Posted by skbohra at 7:47 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: dream, failure, fear

Among uncertainty and unknown dangers to me I continue to work, working because I think I want something, though I really don't know what I want. For me life came in different phases, as I recalled I can divide it in three phases and I am obviously in the third phase of my life. And actually the third phase is just a product of the earlier two phases, everything I am into is related to something to my previous phases be it any good thing or bad thing. I am certainly visualizing things more clearly than ever before. At my age I know many people have done wonders and really I am late, but as I know things has changed certainly after the second stage. Sometimes I think I am sick of doing things my way, here is a list of things that I do exactly opposite to what others may do. I love old songs, Ghazals and Sufi Qawallis contrast of what people at my stage may listen. I love to wake up early in the morning when every body in hostel is into dreams I love to go up stairs, I love going college everyday while most of colleagues hate that most, I love to work for college and many people say I am idiot, I love Osho while most people don't understand him, I love Open source while people around me say what's wrong with Microsoft, I hate laptop and love pc thats again an odd thing, I may take many more things in this list, but thats not my concern , the fact is I don't understand why I am so? Is that a sort of disease to take a different path in everything I am not saying this thing as good or bad, just making a point that may be it's just me or may be I am sick. And really I can't help that. Now I think I have written many things about myself and now I want to write something about someone else, and I got stuck, whom to write about? When I try to find out one person I can write about other than my family or my relatives I got stuck, no body I can write about, I was reading a book by Chetan Bhagat , 3 mistakes of my life' and I really am thinking why I read that I had better seen any bollywood movie, he put everything in it, that could be a bollywood movie. Anyways I read that book and I am mentioning it here because I think that life is much more than those 3 mistakes, and every day i make 10s of mistakes and I still wonder why I haven't wrote a book yet, like 1000 mistakes of my ¼ th life since I am still in early 20s and I can't say these mistakes as mistakes of my life I know I will make thousands of more such mistakes.

Posted by skbohra at 9:59 AM | 3 comments Links to this post  
Labels: 3 mistakes of my life, chetan bhagat, life, mistakes

I have a little cousin almost 18 years younger than me. I am at home these days, so I am spending more time around him, yesterday was his first day of school, I was sleeping when in morning he came to my place, wearing his brand new blue colored school uniform which he was showcasing from last one week, wearing his school bag at his back, black shoes of course brand new, he was extra excited on his first day of school, seeing him I flied back to flash back I recalled my first day at school, I was crying all the time, I was sitting on papa's shoulders crying all time, papa was trying to convince that I will have a great time, I am still wondering what made me enter the bus but just after a few minutes of entering I realized that I had made a huge mistake by entering this thing which looked to me as if I am in some other planet with aliens all over wearing the same thing which I am wearing and making noise like I do so I decided to use my 'Brahmasthra' and in a few minutes I was out by window back on papa's shoulders, the mission was successful. A lots of things have changed since then I wonder why children these days don't protest going to school. Surely something strange is happening. Something made me think that the life of a child is much difficult than me for sure. They have to do lots of things in a day such little time and so many things to do, managing all these things is really not a child's play. I tried to compare my cousin's day with me. Since its holidays time I wake up at 8 , and I spent almost all my time sitting in front of computer doing all those useless things which my mom don't understand. I eat thousands of calories these days and burn a little. My little cousin's life is much harder than me, from waking up early morning at 6 to going to sleep at 9 in night, he has lots of work, fighting over t.v., to get his favorite cartoon channel tuned, fighting over whose cycle is better with other children in street, fighting to get chocolates and many other adventures it surely consumes a lots of calories. And the school, thats really a tough life. Being a child you have to manage all your affairs yourself. For a child it matters most that everything that belongs to him should be best, and that takes a lots of hard work to convince others that yours is best. I still remember giving such logical explanation for making others convince that mine shoes are the best of all of them. Keeping them clean all the time, keep removing dust all the time, tough. And when it comes to your first cricket bat, nothing can be better than that. “I have the Sachin's bat” when I was a little younger I thought that the word Sachin means one who is a very good batsman, I know that was a child's thought but I think it will be great if we make it to our dictionaries, the word Sachin should mean a great batsman, as a few days back I read in a newspaper that in come countries the word Indira means lady with tough wit. As every child thinks I too wanted to grow up as soon as possible so that I could do all those things I wanted to do but couldn't do because grown ups thought that I was too small to do that. Now being among those grown ups I find that though its not a child's play to be a child I still want to be a child! But seeing a child doing all those hard works sometimes it scares me again I think that I am happy with my this easy life. Bade log , Bade log!

Posted by skbohra at 9:53 AM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: child, life, school

The only thing that troubles me these days is the situation that just carve in no time! Sometimes I think I will not do such thing once more, but I happen to practice the same thing more often. I hate myself for that! And after that I feel guilty again I know for no reasons and then after some time I get normal! The problem is that all these things distract me from what I was into and it then take me a long time to again get into that frame of mind! And the cycle repeats again and again! I decide not to do something than situation become such that I have to do that, then I feel guilty and then get normal! And so on! My whole life revolves in this cycle!

And I am here to write something that made me feel very low. I am wondering if I could ever write something happy I always write something very much sad, isn't it so, I guess it is so, I was traveling in bus from home to Bikaner, yesterday I was wondering if I could get a good company, you know what i mean by good company ;) the way from my home to Bikaner is like true desert its 160+ km and you will hardly get 1-2 villages in between and nothing else and you can't dream of any shop where you can get an Appy fiz! As I did, Poor me! The temperature also showed no mercy and was above 40, hot winds were trying their best that you don't sleep. I guess you are pretty much into the situation now, I hate talking much, but the situation was such that I don't have anything to pass my time, and I was thus blessed by god, sending a talkative uncle, I recalled Bheja Fry! The uncle was nothing less then that in Bheja Fry! He started the talk by examining me from top to bottom twice! And then looked at me as if I were an alien! May be because I was wearing some jeans so it was enough for him to anticipate that I am surely not a villager! Who I am? He asked me! I was in no mood to answer this tough question, man! I am still searching who I am? Before I could answer that question, he asked me what my father do? And these are the common questions you encounter in any village bus. Since everybody knows each other, mostly you end up with some relationship may it be like the person is the in laws of your neighbor! So in a way you are relatives, aren't you? What is your caste? This was the third question in a series of three questions he bombarded at me and I can see that he was in a tough look and I have to answer this third question quickly, though I still don't know why I bother to answer him? I am Brahman! I told him. Oh! You are a Brahman! I don't know why I thought that but I think he was showing some sort of sympathy for me being Brahman! I guess because I don't get reservation. And this is the way these uncles starts a talk, the next half an hour I was all answering him, and he had almost fetched everything I know about me, my family and my relatives! I was wondering if he were in a CBI interrogation team he could have done wonders. Finally he got a topic to start talk, since all these questions were just to start talk, and the real talk was just about to start! And he took the topic that I am doing engineering, he decided to take this thing further, how I got selected, how is the course, whats the fees, what was my percentage, how is the hostel, how is the college and many more! He asked me to guess how much he had studied? Now thats a tricky question, and I wish I could answer that it seems me that whatever you studied is all vain! But I can't answer like that, I decided not to answer and keep smiling , so he finally decided to tell that he is M. Sc , B. Ed. Now should I behave like I am impressed, I was not impressed , but I have to pretend that I am impressed! Hell! This talk could have gone long, but he then decided to read my hand! Now thats too much! He took my hand before I could understand anything, and was examining it very seriously, gosh! And I knew what he was about to say! I have a great luck, great money and all that crap! And few bad things like I will struggle ha! Ha! I told you I knew it! Why the hell these people bother too much to please other! I am still to get answer to this question and more than me, people around me get impressed by him, thank god! And I escaped , he was all busy telling people their fate! And I was looking at my fate! The only good thing in all this was that it helped my pass all the time and I was at the end of all this , about to reach Bikaner! Thanks but no thanks! For next time!

The day was to travel to and fro so I was back in bus within three hours of reaching Bikaner, I had some work which I completed in no time, so I was back in bus at 1.00 pm in afternoon, I guess I need not to tell the the situation hasn't changed much and even worsen. Hoping to have a good luck this time, to have a good company, but why it always happens to me, so again back to phalodi alone, the same way the same bus, and with some increased temperature. Tried to have a sleep on those nylon seats that make you feel like sitting on hot pan, I wish I could fly back to phalodi! may be someday! But for today I was in a furnace and like a chicken ready to be served! Now I could feel that how tough it is to be a chicken! And one more thing I was feeling that when people cry global warming what does they mean.

While sitting I had a lots of thoughts in mind about myself, I don't know if it happens to everybody or just me that whenever I am in such a situation I think about myself my past, my future , my present and all that crap! Really I don't know why I do that but I wonder what else people think about in such situations. I had been to this travel for more than 10 times now, and each time when situation become unbearable like this I promise myself that I will not let it happen the next time. But poor me, I told you about that cycle , I am in that cycle once again! Alas! I wish I could change that! I swear there was not a single boy or girl in whole bus all where some villagers with crying babies and eating like hell! The situation was perfect for making you feel that you want to make some changes, and the hell boring thing get some thing to break this, there was an old man, he was about 70 years in age, was healthy I can say. He was also there in my way to Bikaner and now again here in same bus. He was so aggressive even at this age, it made me feel old, I don't have such aggression in myself, sometimes I think I should have some aggression, and that old man made me feel that again. First he was struggling with the conductor to get his 2 rupees back and after that he was struggling with a woman to get his seat back which he left for a while to drink water, but the woman was even more aggressive than the old man was so they made a scene there in bus, and quickly the bus was divided in two groups one for supporting each one of them. I can see that people love to get involved in such sort of things after all it bring something in that dull bus! When I find myself in such situations it looks to me that all I am thinking for making a great future is worthless, I am wasting my time, my dreams get fainted and I find myself helpless.

I was thinking that all this drama is the worse thing I could encounter today, my head was rolling like drum and I was feeling heat deep in my brain, the head pain grows in no time, as in last 7 hours I just had two liters of water and nothing else, I could blame myself for that, and was doing the same thing, and sitting in my seat waiting for phalodi to come as soon as possible, the bus was dull again, everybody was silent, some were sleeping I would rather say trying to sleep, the bus was crawling at a speed just over 50 kmph, and the road was blank, no trees nearby, no vehicles, nothing I just happened to see out the window! The scene out was like nothing but sand dunes, hey I saw something on road, and everybody in bus got on their feet, what I was seeing that over a kilometer away on the road , it was some white thing, but it took no time to find that there was something wrong, two persons were lying down on the road, they were in blood! Something wrong had happened! Everybody was shocked to see that! So as me. I ran to the front of the bus! I was thinking that they will stop the bus so that we could help them. But they didn't. The bus went pass them and no one even tried to stop the bus! Hell! I was shocked ! I got mummed! I could see two persons dieing and couldn't do anything. And what I could do is see them till they get disappeared, what a crap I am, I couldn't help them! My whole body was shivering and all my morals and soul was dropped in a moment I was feeling that what I talk is all vain! Why couldn't i protest! Why? Alas! I hate myself! I really was feeling low! There was a constable of police in bus! He called nearby police station and told them about the accident! But I think if we had helped them nothing could be better than that! And the rest of the time I was thinking just nothing! I don't remember what happened to me and I was at home, thinking all the time about that accident!

Today I read in local newspaper that the both of them had died! One of them was alive when police reached there but died during the treatment in hospital! And I curse myself and I know I am responsible of death of two persons, I never thought that i may kill anybody but I am responsible for those two deaths! I killed two persons! Hang me!

Posted by skbohra at 1:27 PM | 0 comments Links to this post  
Labels: confession, journey bus, killer, life, regrets, travelling

Happy! Are you happy? Hey I am confused more than happy? Why I am confused? I was thinking about my future, I know its worthless to think much about future but I want to decide about my future!
I am at home for holidays and as usual I am doing nothing! This is a thing I hate! To be at home and doing nothing! But I can't help that for no reason. I was talking with my mummy papa about my future, and as they think about my future is that I may get a job of 20-30 thousand bucks or may 40-50 thousand at most! Is that true? Mummy asked me! I said no comments on that, and papa was telling about our businesses and all that! So getting a job of 20-30 thousand bucks and that also some thousand miles away from home, working almost 20+ hrs like bulls in any software company! Why? Situation is like this? Mummy asked me, just for fun , if I could earn more than what my papa have? I couldn't answer that! So I was all busy searching for this question and happened to switch on television and a t.v. Program was there on national geographic channel, it was about genius children of India, it was showing some really talented, geniuses of India! That made me think again that, I don't have any talent in me. A few years ago, when I was in 11th class and I just had heard about IITs and engineering, I dreamed of getting selected in IIT, I was in a government school, in a small town, my friends used to ask about my future, I used to tell them that after 12th I will get selected in IIT so 4 years of engineering and then 2 years of M. Tech and then I will fly to America! What an innocent child I was! And even before that, when I was in 8th or 9th class I used to tell that I want to do MCA because at that time I had heard that MCA is the best course for becoming a software engineer and I wanted to become a software engineer! Again much more innocent thinking isn't it? This is what I thought about my future which is now my present, I mean a few years ago what was my future is what now my present and I can see that, it is not what I thought but definitely much better than what I was thinking! One thing that I love about myself is that I always make it clear in my mind that what I don't want to do! Whether or not it is clear to me that what I want to do, but it is always clear to me that what I want not to do, and that had really helped me a lot so far, and I wish I can continue this all the time! And when I was in first year of engineering, I just discovered Google and its story I was so much fascinated by Google that I decided to become a technology enterprenuer! And till now my dream